Daytime Gourmet Location (昼のグルメロケ, Hiru no Gurume Roke) is the 3rd episode of Odd Taxi audio drama series.
Synopsis[]
Satoshi Nagashima gets to listen in on his favorite manzai duo Homosapiens. Shibagaki wakes up late, only to get annoyed by Baba's new gig as presenter for daytime TV. He proceeds to call Baba to complain about it.
Characters[]
Transcription[]
| 話 |
昼のグルメロケ | |
| 長嶋 |
みなさんこんばんは。 | |
| 今回はすごいですよ。 | ||
| なんとあのお笑いコンビ、ホモサピエンスのお二人の音声が流出です！ | ||
| このまま数珠繋ぎに芸人さんが続いたりしたら胸熱ですね！ | ||
| ずっとホモサピエンスが持ってても面白いんですけどねぇ。 | ||
| 電波の関係で1日数分しか拾えないのが残念です。 | ||
| それでは、早速聞いていただきましょう。 | ||
| どうぞ。 | ||
| （ガチャ） | ||
| 柴垣 |
あー眠いわぁ！ | |
| 何時や？ | ||
| あ、ちゃうわこれ、逆や。 | ||
| ん？眼鏡…どこやねん眼鏡！ | ||
| そや、昨日朝まで飲んで… | ||
| 痛っ！チッ！ | ||
| 腹立つなぁ。 | ||
| あった、眼鏡。 | ||
| まだ昼過ぎやん。 | ||
| もっと寝れたやん。 | ||
| まぁ休みやからええねんけど。 | ||
| …チッ、あいつ、飲みに連れてったのに連絡ないやんけ。 | ||
| 「昨日はごちそうさまでした」とか言えや、後輩やったら。 | ||
| 全部奢ったぞ。 | ||
| まぁハイボール180円のとこやけど。 | ||
| いやいや、それにしてもや。 | ||
| なんかしらはあるやろ、「勉強なりました」的な。 | ||
| 「笑い学ばしていただきました」みたいな。 | ||
| まぁずっと、煩悩イルミネーションの悪口言うててんけど。 | ||
| なんか肌寒いな。 | ||
| もう一回寝れるかな。 | ||
| 無理やろなこれ。 | ||
| …暑い！ | ||
| 布団被ったら暑い！ | ||
| そや、昨日録画したミーアキャットが顔出すだけの映像見よ。 | ||
| もうあれぐらいでしか俺を癒すことはでけへん。 | ||
| （ピッ） | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
「自分、昼何食べるん？」のコーナー！ | |
| 柴垣 |
うわ最悪や。 | |
| 最悪のタイミングでテレビつけてもうた。 | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
さぁ始まりました、えーと、 | |
| 街行く人に声をかけて一緒にランチを食べるこのコーナー、早くも… | ||
| 柴垣 |
誰が見るねん、こんなもん。 | |
| そもそも自分って失礼やろ、 | ||
| 関西人以外は二人称ってわかりにくいし。 | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
今回はなんと銀座に来ております。 | |
| ザギンですよ、ザギン。 | ||
| 柴垣 |
ダサい、ダサい！ | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
あの方ちょっと行ってみましょうか。 | |
| お金持ちっぽいマダムがいらっしゃいます！ | ||
| 「あのー、えーと、すいません、あのー、ちょっといいですか。」 | ||
| あ、あの、ちょっと思いっきり無視されましたね。 | ||
| 見ました？あの目。 | ||
| ジョーカーが最初バスに乗った時のあのおばさんみたいな顔で見てきましたよ！ | ||
| 柴垣 |
世間と2年くらいズレてるなこいつ。 | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
あのオラついてる若者行ってみます？ | |
| …やっぱ、怖いな、やっぱり！ | ||
| どうせコンビニでカップ麺とか食べそうやしな… | ||
| えっ！ランボルギーニ乗り込みましたよ！？ | ||
| なんであんな奴が金持ってんねん！ | ||
| 柴垣 |
要らんな、この件。 | |
| カラオケで出てくる口笛のパートぐらい要らん。 | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
あっ、なんかシュッとした人いますね。 | |
| あの人に声かけてみます！ | ||
| 「すいません！ | ||
| ちょっとだけお時間大丈夫ですか？」 | ||
| 男性（テレビ） |
「えっ？大丈夫だけど？」 | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
行きますよー！ | |
| 「自分、昼何食べるん！？」 | ||
| 柴垣 |
あー、言わされてる感がすごい。 | |
| 男性（テレビ） |
「お寿司」 | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
「マジっすか！？ | |
| さすが東京！ | ||
| 一緒に行ってもいいですか？」 | ||
| 男性（テレビ） |
「いいよ」 | |
| 柴垣 |
むき出しのやらせやな、これ。 | |
| ええわけないやろ、こんな三流芸人とランチ。 | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
さぁやってまいりました。 | |
| このお店には全国の美味しい魚が集まっているということで、えー… | ||
| ギョギョギョギョギョー！っつってね。 | ||
| えー、90貫くらい食べたろかなー思ってるんですけども… | ||
| 大将！おすすめお願いします！ | ||
| 柴垣 |
あかんあかんあかん！ | |
| 言ってるにしろ言わされてるにしろあかん。 | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
来ました！ | |
| 大間のマグロづくしです！ | ||
| わー、贅沢ですね！ | ||
| いただきまーす！ | ||
| …（沈黙） | ||
| 柴垣 |
長い長い！ | |
| …何言うねん？ | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
おいしい！ | |
| 柴垣 |
死んでまえ！ | |
| そんなことしか言われへん芸人死んでまえ！ | ||
| 馬場（テレビ） |
いや、これね… | |
| 柴垣 |
お、おぉ… | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
おいしい！ | |
| 柴垣 |
直ちに辞めろ。 | |
| 笑かそうともせぇへんようになったら終わりや。 | ||
| 男性（テレビ） |
大間の赤身は、味が濃いんだよ。 | |
| 柴垣 |
おっさんも棒読み。 | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
続きまして、大トロです！ | |
| 見てください、このピカピカの感じ！ | ||
| うわぁー！食べるのもったいない！ | ||
| 柴垣 |
ここは大事やぞ！ | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
…（沈黙） | |
| 柴垣 |
…長いって！ | |
| 馬場 |
おいしい！ | |
| 柴垣 |
アナウンサーでええな、これ。 | |
| ナレーション |
「芸人なのに、感想も言わず、食べ続ける馬場。」 | |
| （テレビ） |
（テレビからの笑い声） | |
| 馬場（テレビ） |
次は、自分の街に行くかもしれへんで！ | |
| （ピッ） | ||
| 柴垣 |
あかん、腹立つ。 | |
| 電話しよ。 | ||
| （電話の呼び出し音） | ||
| 柴垣 |
もしもし、馬場？ | |
| 馬場 |
おう、柴垣。 | |
| どうしたん？ | ||
| 柴垣 |
何してるん？ | |
| 馬場 |
今テレビ局の人らと昼飯行ってて、終わったとこ。 | |
| 柴垣 |
けっ。 | |
| 馬場 |
どうしたん？ | |
| 柴垣 |
あれ見たぞ、「自分、何食べるん？」のコーナー。 | |
| 馬場 |
あぁ、どうやった？ | |
| 柴垣 |
高熱出た時に見る夢かな思ったわ。 | |
| 馬場 |
いや、どんなんやねん。 | |
| 柴垣 |
地獄のようやった。 | |
| 馬場 |
昼のグルメロケはあんなんでええねんて。 | |
| 柴垣 |
スマホゲームやってる時に出てくる広告より退屈やったわ。 | |
| 馬場 |
ホモサピエンスが売れるためにやってんねん。 | |
| 柴垣 |
そんなんせなあかんぐらいなら売れんでええねん。 | |
| 馬場 |
お前売れたい言うてたやん、煩悩イルミネーションみたいに。 | |
| 柴垣 |
お前去年のM-1で煩悩イルミネーションが決勝行った時、 | |
| 「おめでとう」って連絡入れたらしいな。 | ||
| それ本気で言うたん？ | ||
| 馬場 |
当たり前やん。 | |
| めっちゃ嬉しかったし、頑張れば結果出るんやなって思ったし… | ||
| 柴垣 |
頭おかしいんか、お前！？ | |
| 後輩やろうが先輩やろうが、結果出した同業を祝福すんな！ | ||
| Twitterで同業の告知を手伝うな！ | ||
| 悔しがれ！ | ||
| 家で物に当たるぐらい、風呂で大声出すぐらい悔しがれ！ | ||
| 媚びるな！ | ||
| 雲の上におるような大御所から、何者でもないペーペーまで全員敵や！ | ||
| 礼儀の部分以外では同業を否定しろ！ | ||
| 面白いと思っても感心すんな！ | ||
| 表面的に褒めた上でこっちから内心で全否定しろ！ | ||
| 自分の方がすごいと思え！ | ||
| 同業のファン全員かっさらうくらいのエゴイストになれ！ | ||
| 彼女とか友人が自分以外の同業を褒めたら殴れ！ | ||
| 例えば俺らの単独ライブに後輩見に来て、「面白かったです」って言われたら、「舐められてるな」って思え！ | ||
| 俺やったらほんまにすごいって思ったら、のこのこ挨拶なんか行かれへん！ | ||
| 拳握りしめて歯軋りしながら走って帰る！ | ||
| 馬場 |
お前な、もっと俺の全体を見てくれ。 | |
| 頑張ってるやん。 | ||
| 評価してくれや。 | ||
| 柴垣 |
今はせぇへん。 | |
| 馬場 |
そんな、アプリのレビューみたいな… | |
| 柴垣 |
とにかく仕事選べよ。 | |
| 俺らの名前に傷がつく。 | ||
| それか引退せぇ。 | ||
| 馬場 |
何でや！？ | |
| 何でそうなんねや！？ | ||
| 柴垣 |
そしてゆっくり海に入っていけ、服着たまま。 | |
| 馬場 |
親泣くぞ！ | |
| そんなんしたら親泣くぞ！ | ||
| 柴垣 |
で、どんどん入っていって、もう頭の上水くるとこまで行け。 | |
| で、目つむってな。 | ||
| 馬場 |
死んでもうてるやないか、そんなもん！ | |
| 柴垣 |
ほんで、こっち見んなよ。 | |
| 馬場 |
何で見たらあかんねん！？ | |
| 柴垣 |
で、そのままどんどんどんどん入っていけ。 | |
| 馬場 |
どういうことやねん。 | |
| 柴垣 |
で、ずっと向こうまで行け。 | |
| 馬場 |
向こうってどこやねん！？ | |
| 柴垣 |
ずーっとずーっと向こう、向こう岸まで行け。 | |
| 馬場 |
生きとるやないか、それやったら！ | |
| 柴垣 |
行け、それでもう戻ってくるな、お前は。 | |
| 馬場 |
何でそんなこと言われなあかんねん！？ | |
| 柴垣 |
ほんまに。 | |
| ほんまやぞ？ | ||
| 馬場 |
…せや！ | |
| お前、俺のボールペン持ってったやろ？ | ||
| 柴垣 |
あ、これ？ | |
| お前のやったん？ | ||
| 馬場 |
それ彼女からもらったやつやねん。 | |
| 柴垣 |
だから何やねん。 | |
| 返せって？ | ||
| 馬場 |
それ持ってたら幸せになんねん。 | |
| 実際、俺、仕事どんどん決まってるし。 | ||
| 柴垣 |
あかん。 | |
| スピリチュアル方面行ったらいよいよやばいぞ、お前。 | ||
| 馬場 |
いや、お前もそれで売れるんちゃうかなって思ってな。 | |
| そのボールペンを誰かにあげたらええらしいで。 | ||
| 柴垣 |
へぇー、そうなん？ | |
| 馬場 |
なんやそのまんざらでもない感じ。 | |
| 柴垣 |
いや、そういうわけちゃうけど。 | |
| 馬場 |
誰に渡すん？ | |
| 柴垣 |
芸人に渡してそいつが売れたら腹立つしな。 | |
| 馬場 |
ええやん、別に。 | |
| 柴垣 |
バイト先の先輩に渡すわ。 | |
| 先輩言うてもだいぶ年下やけど。 | ||
| 馬場 |
その人が幸せになんのはええの？ | |
| 柴垣 |
俺になんの影響もないから。 | |
| ただのアイドルオタクやし。 | ||
| （ブツっ） |
| Story |
Lunchtime Gourmet On Location | |
| Nagashima |
Good evening, everyone. | |
| Boy do I have a treat for you this week. | ||
| Yes, believe it or not, I've gotten my hands on a private recording of the Homosapiens! | ||
| It sure would be exciting if it got handed around to other comedians! | ||
| It'd also be great if it just stayed with the Homosapiens, though. | ||
| It's such a shame that due to the radio signal I can only pick up a few minutes each day. | ||
| Well then, without further ado! | ||
| Enjoy! | ||
| (Click) | ||
| Shibagaki |
Ahh, don't wanna be awake! | |
| What's the time? | ||
| Oh, this is upside down. | ||
| Where the heck did I put my glasses? | ||
| Oh, that's right, I was out drinkin' til dawn- | ||
| Ouch! Tch! | ||
| So damn annoyin'. | ||
| Found them! | ||
| It's barely gone midday. | ||
| Could've slept in longer. | ||
| Since it's my day off and all. | ||
| ...hmph. No messages of gratitude from that youngin' I kindly took out for drinks last night I see! | ||
| Kids these days have no respect for their elders. | ||
| I was the one who picked up the tab, y'know! | ||
| Sure, the drinks might've been dirt cheap, but still. | ||
| Irregardless of that, we're just talkin' common courtesy here! | ||
| No harm in sayin' "Cheers for the advice", | ||
| or "Thanks for the funny story" at the very least. | ||
| Well, I guess I was just trash-talkin' Bonnou Illumination the whole time... | ||
| Bit chilly eh. | ||
| Maybe I should just go back to sleep. | ||
| This is useless. | ||
| …stuffy! | ||
| This duvet is too stuffy! | ||
| Oh, should watch that program with the meerkats poppin' their heads out that I recorded yesterday. | ||
| Only that kind of footage can heal me now. | ||
| (Blip) | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"...and now it's time for our WHAT'RE YA EATING FOR LUNCH TODAY? segment!" | |
| (In standard Japanese, "jibun" is a 1st-person pronoun, but in the Kansai region it can be used as a casual 2nd-person pronoun so "ya" is used to try to get a similar point across.) | ||
| Shibagaki |
Couldn't have picked a worse time to turn on the TV. | |
| Baba (TV) |
"...and we're off and runnin'!" | |
| "Uhh, yes, in this segment, we ask random people on the street if we can join them for lunch-" | ||
| Shibagaki |
First of all, using "ya" to address people makes you sound like a country bumpkin. | |
| (Shibagaki is criticizing the use of "jibun" to mean "you" instead of "I", as people who aren't from Kansai would find it confusing.) | ||
| Kansai locals are the only ones who reckon there's nothin' weird about using it. | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"We've come to Ginza this time." | |
| "a.k.a The Gin!" | ||
| (It's a outdated wordplay where they swapped the syllables of "Ginza" into "Za Gin") | ||
| Shibagaki |
Nobody calls it that anymore. | |
| Baba (TV) |
"Shall we try talkin' to that lady over there?" | |
| "She sure does look like she's well-off!" | ||
| "Um, uh, 'scuse me, uh, do you have a moment?" | ||
| "Did you see her eyes?" | ||
| "She glared at me like that woman in the bus scene at the start of the Joker!" | ||
| Shibagaki |
This guy is about two years outta sync with the real world. | |
| Baba (TV) |
"Shall we try talkin' to that intimidatin' young man next?" | |
| "On second thought..." | ||
| "He's probably just goin' to buy some instant noodles from 7/11…" | ||
| "Did you see that?! He just got into a Lamborghini!" | ||
| "How's a guy like that so rich?!" | ||
| Shibagaki |
This preface is pointless. | |
| As pointless as the whistlin' sections in karaoke. | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"Oh! Take a gander at that stylish gent over there." | |
| "Let's try talkin' to him!" | ||
| "'Scuse me! Can you spare a minute?" | ||
| Man(TV) |
"Huh? Yeah, I guess." | |
| Baba (TV) |
"Say it with me now..." | |
| "WHAT'RE YA EATING FOR LUNCH TODAY?" | ||
| Shibagaki |
Ugh. They couldn't make this sound anymore forced if they tried. | |
| Man (TV) |
"Sushi." | |
| Baba (TV) |
"Seriously!? That's Tokyo for you!" | |
| "Can we accompany you?" | ||
| Man(TV) |
"S-sure." | |
| Shibagaki |
This is so obviously set-up. | |
| Who on earth would willingly have lunch with a third-rate comedian. | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"Well, here we are." | |
| "Since we're at a restaurant with delicious fish harvested from all across Japan, let's..." | ||
| "...gyo-gyo-gyo-gyo-gyo!" | ||
| (This is a terrible pun - "gyo" means fish.) | ||
| "I'm aimin' to eat 90 or so pieces of sushi..." | ||
| "Chief! What do you recommend?!" | ||
| Shibagaki |
Awful. Just awful. | |
| Scripted or not, it's godamn awful. | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"Order's up!" | |
| "It's an assortment of famous Oma Tuna!" | ||
| (Oma is a city in northern Japan well-regarded for it's high quality tuna.) | ||
| "What a spread!" | ||
| "Let's dig in!" | ||
| …(Silence) | ||
| Shibagaki |
This pause is far too pregnant. | |
| ...and the verdict is? | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"Delicious!" | |
| Shibagaki |
Kill yourself! | |
| No point in livin' if that's all you've got to say! | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"...and this one is..." | |
| Shibagaki |
I'm listenin'. | |
| Baba (TV) |
"...delicious!" | |
| Shibagaki |
Quit your job right this instant. | |
| If you can't think of anythin' funny, then it's game over. | ||
| Man (TV) |
"Lean cuts of Oma Tuna have a strong flavor-" | |
| Shibagaki |
This fella sounds like he's readin' off a script. | |
| Baba (TV) |
"Next up, fatty tuna!" | |
| "Look how it shines!" | ||
| "Almost seems a waste to eat it!" | ||
| Shibagaki |
This is the make-or-break moment... | |
| Baba (TV) |
…(Silence) | |
| Shibagaki |
Just give birth already! | |
| Baba (TV) |
"...delicious!" | |
| Shibagaki |
This is no gig for a comedian. | |
| Narrator (TV) |
"Even though he talks for a living, Baba continues to eat without saying anything of value." | |
| (Laughter from TV) | ||
| Baba (TV) |
"Look out, I might go to YA town next!" | |
| (Blip) | ||
| Shibagaki |
Now I'm just pissed off. Gotta phone him. | |
| (Ringing tone) | ||
| Shibagaki |
Hello, Baba? | |
| Baba |
Oh hi, Shibagaki. What's up? | |
| Shibagaki |
What're you doin'? | |
| Baba |
Just finished havin' lunch with the TV crew. | |
| Shibagaki |
Hah. | |
| Baba |
What is it? | |
| Shibagaki |
I saw it. That "WHAT'RE YA EATING" segment of yours. | |
| Baba |
Oh, it already aired did it. | |
| Shibagaki |
I mistook it for a fever-induced nightmare. | |
| Baba |
How? | |
| Shibagaki |
'Cause it was like bein' in hell. | |
| Baba |
That's just how daytime gourmet programs are. | |
| Shibagaki |
I'd rather watch those ads that pop up when you're playin' games on your phone. | |
| Baba |
I'm just doin' it to help make us successful. | |
| Shibagaki |
I don't wanna be successful if that's that's the price of entry. | |
| Baba |
You were the one who said you wanted us to follow in Bonnou Illumination's footsteps! | |
| Shibagaki |
I heard a rumor but, is it true that last year, you congratulated | |
| Bonnou Illumination when they advanced to the finals of the N-1? | ||
| Baba |
Damn right I did. | |
| I was overjoyed for them, and glad to see that hard work does pay off- | ||
| Shibagaki |
You got a screw loose or somethin'? | |
| Doesn't matter if they came before or after us, don't welcome the success of those in the same industry! | ||
| Don't show support for them on Twitter! | ||
| Be resentful! | ||
| Feel so resentful you take your anger out on household items, or scream in the shower! | ||
| Don't fawn over them! | ||
| Treat everyone, from the bigwigs to the small fry, as your enemy! | ||
| Aside from common courtesies, disregard your colleagues! | ||
| Don't praise them even if you did reckon they were funny! | ||
| Keep your compliments superficial, and then renounce them from the bottom of your heart! | ||
| Believe yourself to be superior! | ||
| Become so self-involved you snatch all the fans away from other comedians! | ||
| Wack your girlfriend or your mates if they praise any comedians except for you! | ||
| For instance, if any newbies tell you you're funny, believe instead that they're just makin' fun of you! | ||
| There's no way I'd be able to just waltz on over and praise another comedian, even if I did reckon they were the bee's knees! | ||
| I'd sprint home fists clenched, grindin' my teeth! | ||
| Baba |
I'm beggin' you to look at the bigger picture. | |
| Give a man a little credit. I'm workin' my ass off here. | ||
| Shibagaki |
For now, I refuse. | |
| Baba |
Why're you treatin' me like an unprompted app review request... | |
| Shibagaki |
The point is, you need to be more selective. Our name's on the line. | |
| Either that, or retire. | ||
| Baba |
Why're those my only two options?! | |
| Shibagaki |
Then, slowly walk into the sea fully clothed. | |
| Baba |
Are you tryin' to make my parent's cry or somethin'!? | |
| Shibagaki |
Gradually, go deeper and deeper... | |
| Baba |
Mn. | |
| Shibagaki |
...until the water reaches above your head. | |
| Then, close your eyes. | ||
| Baba |
Wouldn't I die if I did that!? | |
| Shibagaki |
No no, don't look back at me. | |
| Baba |
Why can't I!? | |
| Shibagaki |
Keep goin', further and further. | |
| Baba |
What's the end game here!? | |
| Shibagaki |
All the way over there. | |
| Baba |
Over where!? | |
| Shibagaki |
Far, far, far, away. To the opposite shore. | |
| Baba |
Oh, so I do get to live then!? | |
| Shibagaki |
Go, and never come back. | |
| Baba |
Stop horsin' around! | |
| Shibagaki |
I'm serious. Dead serious. | |
| Baba |
Wait, you've got my ballpoint pen, don't you! | |
| Shibagaki |
Oh, this? Didn't realize it was yours. | |
| Baba |
It was a present from my girlfriend... | |
| Shibagaki |
Are you implyin' that you want me to return it? | |
| Baba |
It brings good fortune to those who posses it. | |
| As a matter of fact, my work has steadily been increasin'... | ||
| Shibagaki |
Don't do it man. | |
| There's no turnin' back once you head down the spiritual path. | ||
| Baba |
Hey! Was just thinkin' it'd be nice if you started hittin' it big too... | |
| Good things're supposed to happen if you pass it on to somebody else. | ||
| Shibagaki |
Hmm... is that how it works... | |
| Baba |
You don't seem so skeptical all of a sudden! | |
| Shibagaki |
Nah, not like I believe that crap. | |
| Baba |
Who've you got in mind? | |
| Shibagaki |
It'd piss me off if a comedian I gave it to became successful. | |
| Baba |
What'd be wrong with that!? | |
| Shibagaki |
Guess I'll give it to a senior at my part-time job. | |
| Well, I say "senior" but he's actually way younger than me. | ||
| Baba |
So you don't care if that guy gets lucky? | |
| Shibagaki |
Nah, no skin off my nose. | |
| He's just a harmless idol fanboy. | ||
| (Snap) |
