The Old Coot's Ravings (ロートルの戯言, Routoru no Zaregoto) is the 8th episode of Odd Taxi audio drama series.
Synopsis[]
Satoshi Nagashima is able to record a visit of Donraku Shofutei and the producer at Taeko's tavern, the Yamabiko.
Characters[]
Transcription[]
| 話 |
ロートルの戯言 | |
| 長嶋 |
はい、みなさんこんばんは。 | |
| 最近ねぇ、ちょっと思うんですよ。この盗聴器仕掛けたのは誰なんだろうって。 | ||
| 私と同じようにこの音声を聴いてるってことでしょ？ | ||
| なんでもいいから盗み聞きしたいっていう変態の仕業かもしれませんけど、 | ||
| どうも意図を感じるんですよね。 | ||
| まぁ、考えても仕方ないか。 | ||
| さ、今回はなんと、あの落語界の大御所の音声を入手しました。 | ||
| 貴重なお笑いの話も聴けますよ。 | ||
| 私は多少ガッカリしましたが。 | ||
| やぁ、やっぱすごいですね東京は。 | ||
| では、どうぞ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
ありがとうございました。 | |
| 呑楽 |
（笑）バカ野郎、お前、ったくよう。 | |
| タエ子 |
お通しです。 | |
| 呑楽 |
本当バカじゃないのか。 | |
| プロデューサー |
（笑）だって師匠のほうが何百倍も稼いでるじゃないですか。 | |
| 呑楽 |
バーカ，金じゃねえんだって。 | |
| そうだろ？ | ||
| 金貰えりゃ何でもすんのかって話だろ？ | ||
| 魂だろ？パッションだろ？ | ||
| プロデューサー |
確かに、そうですねー。 | |
| 初心に戻ってもっと面白い番組作れるように頑張ります。 | ||
| 呑楽 |
本当、面白い番組減ったよなぁ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
いや、そう言われると辛いっす。 | |
| 呑楽 |
お前が面白いものを作りたいって言うんなら協力してやるよ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
本当ですか? | |
| 呑楽 |
何かあんのか？企画。 | |
| プロデューサー |
バンジージャンプとかいけます？ | |
| 呑楽 |
バンジージャンプ？！…いくら？ | |
| プロデューサー |
え？ | |
| 呑楽 |
金によるだろ、そんなもん！ | |
| プロデューサー |
ああ、金。 | |
| 呑楽 |
単価の3倍なら考えるよ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
まあ、それならいけるかもしれません。 | |
| 呑楽 |
マジで。 | |
| プロデューサー |
え？ | |
| 呑楽 |
マジで?! | |
| プロデューサー |
多分ですけど。 | |
| 呑楽 |
へへ、まあ頼むよ、そこは。 | |
| プロデューサー |
本当に行けます？ | |
| 上まで行ってNGとかなしですよ。 | ||
| 呑楽 |
やったことはないけどいけるだろう。 | |
| こちとら噺家なんだから。 | ||
| なぜなら「高座に上るのは慣れてます」ってねー？ | ||
| （笑） | ||
| 呑楽 |
酒はいいのか。 | |
| プロデューサー |
あーあー、はい。頂いてます。 | |
| 呑楽 |
食えよ、これ。 | |
| ほら、一個余ってるやつ！ | ||
| ええ、何だこれ。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
ハツですね。 | |
| 呑楽 |
最近の若いやつは本っ当、食ってるか？ちゃんと噛めよ！ | |
| プロデューサー |
は、噛みます、ちゃんと。 | |
| 呑楽 |
おい。 | |
| プロデューサー |
はい？ | |
| 呑楽 |
俺の酒ねーだろ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
めっちゃ飲みますねー。 | |
| 呑楽 |
違うだろう、バカ！お代わりだろ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
（笑）ごめんなさい。 | |
| 女将さん、これお代わり。 | ||
| タエ子 |
はーい。 | |
| 呑楽 |
バカ野郎、たっくよー！ | |
| お前がな、もしうちの弟子なら、と掛けまして… | ||
| …えー、この酒の水面に、生じる，… | ||
| ああ、いやいや、違う。 | ||
| 一滴の滴が落ちた状態、と解きます。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
その心は？ | |
| 呑楽 |
どちらも、「波紋」を呼ぶ、「破門」になるでしょう。 | |
| （笑） | ||
| タエ子 |
お待たせしました。 | |
| 呑楽 |
あ、どうも。 | |
| プロデューサー |
え、師匠、あの、N1の審査員ですけど、今年も宜しくお願いしますねー？ | |
| 呑楽 |
あれなぁ、本当メリットないよな。 | |
| プロデューサー |
師匠の審査、みんな気にしてますから。 | |
| 呑楽 |
まあ、分かって。 | |
| それより、そろそろもう一個ぐらいレギュラーくれよ。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
それはまたおいおい。そんで、師匠？ | |
| 注目コンビとかいますか？ | ||
| 呑楽 |
居ねーよ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
あ？ | |
| 呑楽 |
逆に、誰が注目されてんの？ | |
| プロデューサー |
今年をは煩悩イルミネーションとか？ | |
| 呑楽 |
あー、面白いの？あれ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
師匠、娘さんいましてよね。 | |
| 娘さんはお笑い好きじゃないんですか。 | ||
| 呑楽 |
え？さー。 | |
| プロデューサー |
今おいくつでしたっけ？ | |
| 呑楽 |
はー、18、になったか。 | |
| プロデューサー |
じゃー、絶対知ってますよ。 | |
| あと去年の準優勝コンビも今年エントリーしてますし、ダークホースでいうと、ホモサピエンス！ | ||
| 呑楽 |
正直わかんねんだよ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
え？ | |
| 呑楽 |
何が面白いのか、何に笑えばいいのか？ | |
| プロデューサー |
じゃー、審査基準は何ですか？ | |
| 呑楽 |
雰囲気だよ、雰囲気、 | |
| みんな笑ってるから面白いんだろ、みたいな、 | ||
| 逆張りみたいになっても「私は好きですねぇ」とか言っとけばそれっぽいし。 | ||
| だいたいこの歳になるとな、本当のことにしか興味ねえんだよ。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
落語よりコメンテーターのほうが楽しいですか？ | |
| 呑楽 |
ふ、あれはあれで苦痛だけどなぁ。 | |
| 不倫しようが、ヤクザと付き合おうが、勝手じゃねえか。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
えへへ… | |
| 呑楽 |
トイレ行ってくるわ。おかわり頼んどいて。 | |
| あー、帰ってもいいけどお会計だけしていけよ、え？ | ||
| （笑） | ||
| プロデューサー |
はぁ、クソつまんねえな。 | |
| 老害が。あとSNSやめろもう。 | ||
| どんどんメッキが剥がれてんだよ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
呑楽師匠のファンの友達がいるのよ。 | |
| 呼んでもいいかしら？ | ||
| プロデューサー |
いや、あの人、素人さんには超塩対応だから、呼ばない方がいいですよ。 | |
| タエ子 |
そうなの？この前サイン頂いたとき優しかったわよ？ | |
| プロデューサー |
女好きだから、ただの。 | |
| ママさんぐらいの人、ドンピシャ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
まあ、そうなの？ | |
| 不倫しちゃおうかしら〜 | ||
| プロデューサー |
しちゃってください。 | |
| んで、世間から袋叩きにされて初心に返ればいいんだ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
え、でも呑楽師匠って、お笑いコンテストの一週間前から | |
| お酒抜くぐらい真面目なんでしょう？ | ||
| プロデューサー |
って言ってるだけですねよ。 | |
| ポーズ、ポーズ。 | ||
| 酒抜いたところで一体何だって話だし、意味分かんねえ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
私、ゴシップ大好きなんだけどさ。 | |
| 呑楽師匠ならいろいろ教えてくれるかしら。 | ||
| プロデューサー |
おだてりゃペラッペラ喋るんじゃないですか？ | |
| タエ子 |
本当？じゃ、私の電話番号教えちゃおっかな？ | |
| プロデューサー |
ペン、ありますよ。 | |
| タエ子 |
あれ？そのボールペン、どうしたの。 | |
| プロデューサー |
あ？これ、どうしたかなん。 | |
| あー、外で電話しながらメモしなきゃいけなくて、焦ってたら、たまたま拾ったんだ。 | ||
| タエ子 |
それ幸せのボールペンってはさ噂らしいわよ。 | |
| プロデューサー |
そうなの？ | |
| 確かにペンなくて困ってたからラッキーだったけど。 | ||
| タエ子 |
ひとにあげた時に、効果を発揮するんだって。 | |
| プロデューサー |
じゃあ、差し上げます。 | |
| 呑楽 |
おっおっおい。 | |
| プロデューサー |
（笑）お帰りなさい。 | |
| 呑楽 |
口説いてるんじゃないだろうな！ | |
| プロデューサー |
そりゃ口説いてるに決まってるじゃないですか？ | |
| 呑楽 |
なんだよ、俺のいない間にこそこそと、何やってんの？ | |
| プロデューサー |
こんな美人、目の前にして口説かなかったら失礼でしょ？ | |
| 呑楽 |
ったくもう、油断も隙もありゃしねえよ。 | |
| （ブツっ） |
| Story |
An Old Coot's Ravings | |
| Nagashima |
Good evening, everyone. | |
| Recently, I've been pondering… Who planted the bugging device in the first place? | ||
| I mean, they're listening in on the same audio recordings I am, right? | ||
| Sure, it could just be some pervert who's happy to overhear whatever they can get but, | ||
| I can't shake the feeling that there's a higher purpose behind it. | ||
| Well, it probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. | ||
| Moving on! This time around, yes, believe it or not, it's the legendary rakugo performer. | ||
| Now here's some valuable insight into the world of comedy. | ||
| I'll admit I felt slightly meh about it but, | ||
| Tokyo really is amazing, after all. | ||
| Well then, without further ado. | ||
| Taeko |
Thank you very much! | |
| Donraku |
Good grief, you're such an idiot! | |
| Taeko |
Here's your appetizer. | |
| Donraku |
You sure your head's screwed on? | |
| Producer |
Hey, I'm just pointing out that you're the one raking in the dough, you know. | |
| Donraku |
And I'm saying it's not about the money, idiot! | |
| Am I wrong? | ||
| You mean to tell me you'd do anything for a couple of bucks? | ||
| It's about the soul! The passion! | ||
| Producer |
You're right on the nose. | |
| I shall do my upmost to go back to basics and produce more interesting programs. | ||
| Donraku |
Honestly, there's barely any TV programs worth watching nowadays. | |
| Producer |
That's a bitter pill to swallow... | |
| Donraku |
I mean, I'm willing to give you my cooperation if you wanna make something interesting... | |
| Producer |
Are you sure? | |
| Donraku |
You got something in mind? | |
| Producer |
Would bungee jumping be out of the question? | |
| Donraku |
Bungee jumping!? | |
| ...what's the offer? | ||
| Producer |
Huh? | |
| Donraku |
I ain't doing something like that for free! | |
| Producer |
Ah, you mean the fee. | |
| Donraku |
I'll consider it for three times the usual. | |
| Producer |
Hmm, that might be doable... | |
| Donraku |
Seriously? | |
| Producer |
Huh? | |
| Donraku |
Seriously? | |
| Producer |
Well, maybe… | |
| Donraku |
Heh, I'll leave the finer details to you. | |
| Producer |
You're not just pulling my leg, right? | |
| You can't change your mind once you're at the top. | ||
| Donraku |
Never done it before but I'm sure it's no big deal! | |
| Why's that you ask? | ||
| Because as a veteran rakugo master, I'm used to seeing the view from the top! | ||
| (Although the rakugo stage is elevated, it is nowhere near as high as needed for bungee jumping.) | ||
| (Both laughing) | ||
| Donraku |
The booze to your liking? | |
| Producer |
Uh, er, yes, very nice. | |
| Donraku |
C'mon, eat up, eat up! | |
| There's still a skewer left. | ||
| Uhh, what's this? | ||
| Producer |
Chicken heart, I believe. | |
| Donraku |
Honestly, I swear... are today's youth even eating properly? Make sure to chew it thoroughly! | |
| Producer |
I promise I'm chewing it! | |
| Donraku |
Oi. | |
| Producer |
Yes? | |
| Donraku |
Can't you see my glass is empty?! | |
| Producer |
You've had quite a few already... | |
| Donraku |
Hush, idiot! It's time for a refill. | |
| Producer |
Forgive me! | |
| Miss, another one of these please! | ||
| Taeko |
Coming right up. | |
| Donraku |
You idiot! For crying out loud. | |
| (The following exchange is part of Nazokake, or a riddle format. First the audience "raises a question" about a topic A, to which the riddler replies with an unrelated topic B, which must help the audience to "solve" the riddle by finding what they have in common. The audience proceeds to ask for the answer. Finally, the riddler gives the answer. This must be a homonym - a word that sounds the same, but has different meaning - for both topic A and topic B. The following riddle has been rewritten and simplified.) | ||
| Attention, attention! Riddle me this. | ||
| Uhhhhh, what do "a bottle of beer", and... | ||
| ...wait, how's it go again... | ||
| ...and "a falling snowflake" have in common? | ||
| Producer |
What's the answer? | |
| Donraku |
Both are sure to quickly disappear once they reach my hand! | |
| (The original riddle was "What do 'the producer as Doraku's apprentice', and 'the sake surface after a droplet falls into it' have in common?" The answer is "hamon", which could mean 波紋 ripple, or 破門 excommunication.) | ||
| (Both laughing) | ||
| Taeko |
Thank you for waiting. | |
| Donraku |
Cheers. | |
| Producer |
So, uh, we're counting on you to be a judge for the N-1 again this year... | |
| Donraku |
Honestly, there's no merit to be had in such an undertaking. | |
| Producer |
But everybody is so keen to hear your opinion! | |
| Donraku |
Yeah yeah, I get it. | |
| More importantly, isn't it about time you gave me another regular TV role? | ||
| Producer |
Let's table that for now. | |
| Master, do you have your eye on any groups? | ||
| Donraku |
Nope. | |
| Producer |
Oh. | |
| Donraku |
Conversely, who's in the spotlight? | |
| Producer |
This year... probably Bonnou Illumination. | |
| Donraku |
Eh? Are they supposed to be funny? | |
| Producer |
You have a daughter, if I remember correctly? | |
| Is she not a fan of comedy? | ||
| Donraku |
Huh? Beats me... | |
| Producer |
How old is she again? | |
| Donraku |
She's... 18 now, I guess. | |
| Producer |
Oh she definitely knows them then! | |
| Last year's runner-up entered this year too. If you're talking about a dark horse, it's got to be the Homosapiens. | ||
| Donraku |
To be perfectly frank, I have no idea. | |
| Producer |
Huh? | |
| Donraku |
What's interesting. Or what I should laugh at. | |
| Producer |
What basis do you judge things by then? | |
| Donraku |
I just go with the flow! | |
| If everyone else is laughing then it must be funny, right? | ||
| Otherwise, I can just say I liked it even if everyone else didn't. | ||
| Once you get to my age, pretty much all you care about is what's real. | ||
| Producer |
Do you enjoy being a commentator more than performing rakugo then? | |
| Donraku |
Hmpf, that's it's own struggle. | |
| Don't see why should I give two hoots if someone is having an affair, or associates with the yakuza. | ||
| Producer |
I'm hitting the john. | |
| Donraku |
Get me a top me up, would ya. | |
| Oh, and feel free to leave... as long as you pay the bill first, eh! | ||
| (Both laughing, producer goes to pay) | ||
| Producer |
Goddamn I'm tired of society being dictated by the elderly... | |
| Also, lay off the social media already! | ||
| Your true colors are seeping through! | ||
| Taeko |
A friend of mine is a fan of Master Donraku. | |
| Would it be alright if I called them over? | ||
| Producer |
I really don't recommend it. That guy doesn't take kindly to amateurs. | |
| Taeko |
How strange... he was so nice when he gave me his autograph last time. | |
| Producer |
That's just because he's a hopeless skirt-chaser. | |
| A woman like you is exactly his type. | ||
| Taeko |
Oh, is that so? | |
| It's enough to make a girl consider stepping out~ | ||
| Producer |
Please, by all means! | |
| ...you'll just as soon change your mind after being hounded by the masses anyways. | ||
| Taeko |
Eh? | |
| I was under the impression Master Donraku takes things so seriously he even abstains from drinking in the week leading up to the comedy contest. | ||
| Producer |
That's all lip service. | |
| A mere facade. | ||
| Besides, even if he did go cold turkey, it's not like it'd have much of an effect. | ||
| Taeko |
You know, I just simply adore gossip... | |
| I wonder if Master Donraku would be willing to spill various beans. | ||
| Producer |
If you butter him up he'll tell you anything. | |
| Taeko |
Really~? Maybe I should give him my number... | |
| Producer |
I have a pen right here~ | |
| Taeko |
Eh!? How did you come across that pen? | |
| Producer |
Oh, this? How indeed... ah, that's right. | |
| I was in a hurry to jot something down during a phone call and just randomly picked it up. | ||
| Taeko |
Rumor has it that's a "lucky ballpoint pen". | |
| Producer |
For real? | |
| Can't deny it was a stroke of luck to find it right when I needed it most. | ||
| Taeko |
Apparently, its power manifests when you give it to another person. | |
| Producer |
Well then, I shall gift it to you. | |
| Donraku |
H-hey! | |
| Producer |
Welcome back. | |
| Donraku |
You're not hitting on her, are you? | |
| Producer |
Why of course I'm hitting on her! | |
| Donraku |
What've you been getting up to, huh... sneaking around in my absence. | |
| Producer |
Wouldn't it be more rude not to when such a beautiful woman is standing before you? | |
| Donraku |
Good grief, you can't let your guard down for a second. | |
| (Snap) |
